The Left Side of Memories
by reminiscent-afterthought
Summary: 'Your ability to remember everything…is really troublesome.' Because when they all died, they didn't want to be a burden on that memory. Maybe though, what they did would cause more damage – but how else could they make someone who remembered everything forget? How else could they cut ties with him?


**A/N:** Written for the Diversity Writing Challenge at the Magical Girls/Boys Forum, prompt J32, fic that explores guilt/repentance.

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><p><strong>The Left Side of Memories<strong>

The wind was a soft caress and the donuts were a heavy weight in her arms.

Ryouta didn't seem to notice anything. Or maybe he did and he put it down to something else. Put it down to what she wanted to tell him, why she was leading him this way for: leading him up a path of winding steps lined with trees they'd walked so many times before…until it had become too dangerous to return.

But it would be fine, she was sure. Things would end that night, one way or another. There would be no need for anyone to return to the observatory: not Vingulf nor Hexenjagd. No-one would find Ryouta there.

She walked through the hole where the door once was. Ryouta followed her. The wind faded away, trapped outside even though there was a hole before it. Just like them: trapped, waiting for death one way or another. Either they would kill Valkyria and die when their medicines ran out, or they would be killed by Valkryia.

And when had she stopped thinking of him as Murakami and started calling him Ryouta instead? Her fingers tightened around the paper bag and she pulled the donuts closer. She knew when. And why. She knew and she just hadn't wanted to admit it, for the longest time. Not until Kana had put it so frankly it was impossible to rebuke.

She loved him. And that was why…she couldn't let him die. Or die again.

She stopped, where their provisional strategy room had been: where they'd planned to get those medicines, to stop Kana's visions from coming true – how many things had they planned in that room? So many… And she was sure Ryouta remembered them all. He remembered even the smallest details anyone else wouldn't have given a second glance to. He could recite a book from memory and draw a map or a portrait after seeing them just once.

It was troublesome, because he would never be able to forget them. Or leave them.

A few tears fell on to the paper bag she hugged to her chest.

'Kuroha..?' Ryouta had stopped a little behind her and was looking at her now. She didn't need to turn around to see that, or see the expression he wore. She had a good memory as well, when her powers weren't eating them up. She knew exactly what sort of face he was making now.

And her heart would probably break if she had to look at it right now.

All she could do was say what it was she needed to say, and do what she needed to do.

The bag of donuts fell from her hands and hit the floor with a thump. She heard Ryouta take a step. He stopped when she spoke.

'Ryouta.'

Silence. Only the wind outside: howling, trying to get in.

She could imagine his face right then as well: what sort of expression he wore. How he looked, fishing for words, shocked she'd used his given name…

_I'm using it now because this will be the last time we see each other…_

More tears fell. She rubbed them away, squeezing her eyes shut when new ones came. Giving up on them, she turned around. Turned around with her eyes still shut so she couldn't see him. She didn't need to see him until the end.

'You saved my life here,' she said, her lips twisting into a smile. All the happiness she could muster up went in to that smile. Even though her heart was already thinking about the future. Already breaking…

_I'll make your remembering brain forget about us, so you won't have to suffer again._

'I wanted…to thank you for it…'

She heard his sharp breath, felt the words he wanted to interrupt her with vibrate in the air. But she didn't listen to them. She couldn't. She wouldn't be able to go through with her plan if she did.

'…and to say sorry.'

She forced her eyes open and Ryouta was there, wearing an expression just like she imagined him. But she didn't look at him for long. Before she lost her will of steel she reached out and struck with her power, with all the controlled strength she could risk to knock him down without injuring him.

_Let it be right,_ she prayed, watching him fall. _Let me be right._

He landed sprawled and didn't move. Her heart pounding in her chest, she crept closer, then knelt down and searched for a pulse. Her clumsy, inexperienced hands felt around his neck before they found it: that vein pulsing with strong life. And once that was confirmed she checked the rest of him: his head, his back, his chest. There was nothing wrong.

She sighed in relief. She'd done it right. Unconscious, but not dead. But that had been the easier part. The harder part came next.

_Because if you wake up, you'll come after us and this will all be a waste. I know it._

Her hands were shaking as she pulled his head to her lap.

_Please let me be right about this. Please let me be right._

Her fingers ran through his scalp: searching, calculating.

'It's here,' she said aloud. 'Deep in here. '

She'd calculated carefully, and she simply had to hope she'd been exact enough. To hit such a small part of the brain without touching anything else would have been beyond her mere weeks ago – but she'd trained. She'd grown. Such knowledge would have been beyond her as well, but she'd studied hard.

Not for grades like everyone had thought. But because she'd known one day she would have to wipe them all out of his mind.

_And the only way to do that is to make him forget everything…_

And this was the safest way she'd found to do it. The smallest bit of the brain she'd have to destroy to break the perfect circuit that was the brain and its capacity for remembering. The left hippocampus, which was like a video player – that recorded episodes of life and replayed them when called upon. He'd lose his ability to remember the future as well…

'But you were happier when all you did was study.' She closed her eyes, her fingers lifting lightly, tangling in his hair. 'You were happy before I came in to your life, looking just like your childhood friend and pulling up those memories you'd wanted so badly to forget. And doctors are good. They'll fix you. You'll be back to normal soon.'

Her shoulders shook. Her tears kept on falling. She knelt down and let her lips brush against his temple, then drew back with a laugh. 'I'm sorry,' she said, forcing a smile. 'I shouldn't have done that…but I wanted to. It's my last chance.'

Still smiling, she reached deep in to his brain with her power and struck. Not hard enough to bleed. She might have killed him if she did. But to destroy the cells, that part of the brain that made him unable to ever forget.

Though the brain wasn't so simple: she knew. She hoped she'd done just enough: not so much as to hurt him irrevocably – just enough to give him the life he'd had before he'd met her back.

She wished she could have made sure, somehow, before leaving him there. But there was no way to do it, and so with her heavy heart she set his head down and looked at that peacefully unconscious face one more time.

'Goodbye, Ryouta,' she said to the unmoving form, before turning around, picking up the paper bag and the donuts and walking back out. Back out of the observatory that she would probably never set foot in again. Away from the boy who had saved her, saved all of them, that she would probably not see again. Back towards the wind that seemed quieter now that she wasn't apart from it. Now that it didn't have to try to go get somewhere it couldn't reach despite the path being right there for it…

They really were alike: the magic users and the wind. A free life stretched beyond them…if it wasn't for their pursuers and the medicine that was just about to run out.

But she wasn't free to walk to her impending death just yet. There was one more thing she had to do. There was a pay phone nearby. She'd seen it countless times, walking to and from the observatory.

She put some change in to it. The change Ryouta had given her back…some time. She didn't remember when, but she was sure it had been him. No-one else could have given those coins to her. It was one of those memories she'd lost because of her powers, but she still knew. She was still sure.

And now, she was using what remained from those coins to save him.

'Hello?' she said, when somebody picked up. She could see a bus approaching from the distance. It was perfect timing, and she had her bus pass on her. She'd be gone before they came, before they could search for her. And they'd all be gone five nights from that point, if not the very same night.

Ryouta would still live though. Hopefully. She'd made sure of that.

'There's a boy unconscious up in the observatory up in the mountain… Yes, he's still breathing… No, not bleeding anywhere. A high school student; he's wearing a uniform… Uhh, I don't know… Yes, yes. Thank you.'

The bus pulled to a stop as she hung up, and she stepped on to it, away from the phone, the observatory, Ryouta…and the happy memories he had given him.

'Goodbye, Ryouta,' she said again, as the bus doors shut against the wind. 'Goodbye.'


End file.
